Gift Wrapping Tips For Men....

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas,when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb -- went to seethe baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented untoHim gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover animportant, yet often overlooked, theologicalfact: there is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have saidso: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And thepaper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph wasgoing to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth,'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Josephdid rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in thepaper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the veryfirst Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the peoplegiving those gifts had two importantcharacteristics: 1. They were wise. 2. They were men. Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point ofputting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This isnot just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statisticalsurvey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he everwraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be therewhen the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrapgifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds pergift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped atChristmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormousspitballs. "I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I cannever completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck ofcards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the sizeof a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping,you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes Icamouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancientEgyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's bodywould be covered only by Scotch tape. On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrappingpaper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requiresbatteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very closeto being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife wouldwrap each individual volt. My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babiesthat come more naturally to women than to men.

That is why today I am presenting: Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when therecipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you canclaim that it's myrrh.

*The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how tomake your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an applesliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring andliquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving ahard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag andstick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festivevisual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmasmorning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special timeof year, is that you save the receipt.

-Author Unknown (but definitely male)

Merry Christmas everyone! May you remember the reason for the season - Jesus!